What can I say?

...Except!

Life is pretty damn good.

--That's all for now.

*sighs*

So, for a long time I thought I had overcome my PPD.

But, as of late, I feel I never really overcame it as much as I ignored it.

And now, it's haunting me.

Life, is getting the best of me b/c of this damn thing they call depression.

I will not go on "happy pills" or depression medication. I feel, IMPO, that depression medication's are overly pre-scribed. There's no doubt that I could probably benefit, but I just don't want to be another statistic or whatever.

I am going to go back to trying St. John's Wort. We'll see how that works. However, that is mainly reccommended for short term like 3-6 months. I don't know if in that period of time I can "overcome" these "obstacles".

People keep asking, "Are you pregnant!?" NO! I'm not pregnant. I don't drink enough water to get pregnant, lol. But, seriously, no.. not pregnant. I need new glasses. I've been so pathetic and lazy, that it's been 2 years since my last appointment, first time in my life I haven't been every year. I'm going in January- and there's no doubt I need new lenses... So I'm gonna get new frames while I'm at it.

I put my glasses on in the morning and within about 10 minutes I have a lingering headache, I'm pretty sure it's my eyes.

Olin's work-up got cancelled for this next week. We're praying the deployment doesn't... b/c that would just mean it would get post-poned, and the timing of this deployment is great. He won't miss anything major, like our anniversary, ball, Thanksgiving or Christmas... and he'll leave right after Erika's first birthday. Thank Heaven's he'll be here for that.

I haven't had much of an appetite in awhile. Not sure why, just been eating small stuff. && not very often.

...i don't feel like writing anymore, so later.

Ham's!!

So, we have this new restaurant. I used to go here all the time with friends back in college, and my senior year of high school, well we moved to Havelock and they had on in James City... well now they opened one up IN HAVELOCK! Like I've said before, I'm pissed they picked Ham's when there is one right there 15 minutes away.. they should've picked something neither NB or MHC had, so more people would come to Havelock and make this town some more money- but hey- it is what it is.

Anyways, a lot of people don't like it ... Which works out to my benefit- now I don't have to worry about seeing anyone I don't like there, the people I do like really enjoy Ham's... the one's I don't... don't... WOOHOO! My Tuesday night is AWESOME!

Anyways...

BACON CHEESE FRIES BABY!

An Update

I always forget to post for my "oh so many" followers. :)

So, an update.

Things are good. No, actually they're great.

I got my eyebrow pierced yesterday, it's pretty rockin'. Christina colored my hair my NATURAL box COLOR today, it's burgundy/red... like it is usually. Ha.

Erika, got her first tooth, through the entire surface, about 2 weeks ago. Now she's chompin' away at everything.

As for "L" and her little friends, "L's" friend, "R", told me flat out it was "T". I really don't care. Who has that much time to make a fake myspace. And the pics she used? OMG! Had she really used those pics in real life, and then met up with someone, they probably would've fell on their a$$ laughing. Fo shizzle, my nizzle. No lie. I mean, who REALLY has that much time? What a great role model for her child, too. Ya know? Like, "I'm a wanna-be home-wrecker kids, be like me when you grow up." *Pukes*... I wonder if her husband knows she was messaging my husband? I wonder if he'd like knowing that his wife was a drama-starting "fill in with random obscenity here". Ugh. Well, now that I know, it doesn't surprise me. But seriously, for those who are friends with her, I mean.. Why? I know everyone can be a good person to people, just like me. I don't get along with everyone, but the people I am friends with get treated amazingly by me. It just takes a lot to become a friend. So I know the same goes for others. I'm not gonna get a long with everyone, but why would anyone, willing be friends with someone who does things like that in their spare time. *pukes again*. Oh my.

Besides all that, things are so amazing. Olin and I are great. Can you believe, in just about a month, we've been married for 2 years? We have a child we worked hard to concieve, that we love very dearly- and are talking of TTC next fall. I mean, life is good. God does work little miracles here and there :) We're not rushing a large family. I, personally, would like to have my normal body back, before I go tackin' on another 30 lbs. I think more people should think like me, lol. Haha, oh boy- if we had a bunch of people running around who thought like me, this world would be PERFECT! Well, not PERFECT, but damn close to! :) Okay, Okay. Maybe that's a bit concieted. But, WHO CARES? Okay, Erika was 8 months old today! Yeah, I know, 8 months! In 4 months we'll be celebrating her First birthday!! And Olin, well, he'll be getting ready to deploy.. (If it doesn't get cancelled, which knowing them, they will cancel it.. poor guy..)... Otherwise, if he doesn't deploy we'll be reserving our hotel in Vegas for his sista's wedding. Fun times! *I think!* But yeah.. Seriously, almost 2 years married. And it's been amazing. *Everyone has their moments, so no, it's not been PERFECT, but if you ain't got problems sometimes... you gotta BIGGER PROBLEMS than you lead on!*

Zoey, our new dog. Wait, I didn't tell you. Yes, we have a new dog, Zoey. She's a Papillon.. and the sweetest lil darn thing in the world. Not to mention, the cutest furball creature. The cat, well, I could throw that cat sometimes.. She likes to claw things- she's gonna get de-clawed the beginning of the year.. Yep, it's already set up!

Erika's first dentist appointment is in New Bern on November 19!!!! Oh! My! Goodness! My big girl!!! I can't believe it! Yeah!

So, hmm.. what else is there? Oh! Olin had his eye appointment, they gave him THE FORM! THE FORM! THE FORM! He's just gotta get it signed by the C/O and send it to LeJeune, and he'll be on the list for the refractive surgery! Which means, NO MORE GLASSES OR CONTACTS FOR THE HUBBY MEISTER! Woot... Just me. ANd let me tell you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE GLASSES. Once I get my dental all finished though (be awhile, including braces time.. can't wait!)... I'll be getting lasik surgery on my eyes. I've been in glasses since 2nd grade.. tried contacts in 8th, not for me.. Something about poking myself in the eye is not very appealing, nor could I do it willingly. But, that will be atleast 2 years, so, not going and getting my hopes up. My eyes still change a lot year to year. I'm nearly blind, I'm pretty close to legally blind.. so.. FUN!

Well, it's 1120 pm, I'm going to bed.
I gotta clean tomorrow. LeAnne, Erika's god-father's cousin, my very dear dear dear friend is engaged to a guy in school at Camp Geiger, and she's coming here to visit on Friday- then heading to see her man! We've never met in person.. She's met Olin, and we text and talk non-stop.. so it's super exciting!!! She can see my bruised eyebrow! OH BOY!

Okay.! TIME! FOR! BED! STOP RAMBLING now.. okay, I'll stop!
NITE!

Whirlwind.

That's what I'm having. A WHIRLWIND of emotions.

Life is great, don't get me wrong.

But since the beginning of summer, I've lost 2 friends. Joel Allen Taylor (June 24th) and Michael Wayne Murdock (September 11th). It seems "the sandbox" takes it's fair share. I know it's life. I know the possibility of it happening was high when they signed up, but it's still hard to take in. It still hasn't fully sunken in yet that they are gone, for good, no returning.

Then, I see my daughter, a whopping 7 months old, yet so independent. It's wonderful, but so sad at the same time. My little munchkin, is no longer so little any longer. Before I know it she'll be running around with the best of them & screaming bloody murder for daddy if he ever gets deployed, that is a day I never wish to come.

Olin & I are well. It's been 2 years we've been together. (As of Sept. 8, Sept 11 was the day he proposed, and Sept 6 the day we met, in person.). 2 years of marriage as of November 11th. Wow, where did time go? We have made some memories, that's for sure.

My parents... well, that's up in the air. With my dad's hip replacement he keeps post-poning and the possibility of them moving, well, things are just a whirlwind with them as well. I just pray the VA would get off their ass and grant my dad full disability. He needs it. It's disgraceful to see some people get granted full 100% disability and go on working and living a full life, and my dad- can barely move and usually lies around most days b/c he's in so much pain from everything that ails him, and the VA just wants to push him around. Ugh.

I'm down to a size 2 in American Eagle Jeans... I was a size 0 before I got pregnant. I think I'm doing pretty well!

I'm doing my crunches all the time, and I'd say sometime between Erika's 1st & 2nd birthday we'll start trying for another baby, who knows.. maybe later. But, it's an option now. We have a VAN!

Woot, I've been planning her 1st birthday!!! I've got the date, time, location, and cake picked out. Pretty much got food picked out. Have some invitations already made out. Just gotta get decorations.

Time is flying!

7/17/2003 Some Days

I wrote this in July of 2003, shortly before I started my sophmore year of high school.



Some Days
Some days I say I'm going to be a writer. Not the kind who wears sloppy buns with hairsticks and a beaded eyeglass chain around her neck, and sits and types all day with a cat on her lap. I want to be the writer who travels to Namibia, West Africa, and lives in a village for a few months and writes about life there so the rest of the world can glimpse this hidden place. I want to be the writer who listens to the grief of Afghani women who wonder why no one ever asks them what they want. I want to hear beautiful and tragic stories and tell the world what we are doing right and what needs to change. I want to write words that impact people; make them cry or laugh or shudder. Some days, though, I just want to curl up under a blanket with a bowl of popcorn and watch the latest Brad Pitt movie. Some days I want to be an artist. Maybe the kind who lives in a studio on the fourth floor in a Manhattan apartment building with only a mattress and a refrigerator with pears and peanut butter. Or maybe one who sits on a sunny porch filled with exotic plants, listening to New Age music and dirtying her hands at a pottery wheel. I want to lay canvases out on the floor and splatter blues and reds and yellows across it, but not before meticulously planning where each splatter should go and its size and shape and color. I want to draw bitter women and fearful men, and let my portraits tell their stories. I want people to look at what I create and remember it for an hour, a week, or forever. Most days I want to be the lead singer in a rock band, wear halter-tops and baggy pants, and dye my hair pink. But then I remember I can't sing. And then I want to be a writer again, because by using my own words I can become an artist or a rock 'n' roll chick, or anything else I wish to be. And in my own words I can leave this world for a moment if it becomes too noisy or crowded or scary. I can fall in love when I'm lonely or be loved when I'm forgotten. I can talk to that someone I miss or change a part of the past I regret. I think maybe it's freedom I want above all else. And I think that writing is a good place to start.

Newness!

So, I got a new van! Yep, sure did! I got it Thursday! Well, Olin it got it... FOR ME! He's so sweet, and knows just the right time to spoil me!! :) I love my life, I'm not sure my life could get any better. Honestly, what more could I ask for? I have a wonderful husband & daughter, nice forms of transportation, a house, food, clothing, family, friends. I mean, I have everything && more! It's wonderful, I'll say that!

But yeah, Thursday, Johnny bought me a 2006 Dodge Grand Caravan. It's got Stow & Go Seating, seats 7, has a power driver's seat, and just SOOOO much! Oh, it's got tinted windows! YAY! I said that the next vehicle I got HAD TO HAVE tinted windows, and my man made sure to see to it that it did! I couldn't ask for more! I love it!

Well, I have lots to do today. Gotta go to the Naval Clinic, WIC office, Blockbuster, meet a woman who wants some stuff I'm selling, Clean up the house, clean out the entertainment center so we can move it (rearranging)... Goodness, I know there's more, too!

Write more when I do.

School!

So I start taking my Income Tax Preparation Course with Jackson Hewitt on Tuesday. It will be held Tuesday & Thursday nights from 6-9 pm until the beginning of December. I'm way excited, maybe I'll work for them this upcoming tax season and make a bit of extra cash... The course itself is free, but I have to pay for my books, which is $90. Not bad though if you ask me! This will be some good quality ME time! I'm excited! Gainin' some knowledge!

Labor Day Weekend.

So! It's been a super long Labor Day Weekend! And it's been superb! Seriously! Friday night we went to a party, and Olin got pretty hammered. I took care of Erika & stayed sober, but I had a blast playing SingStar. Saturday, Olin slept in, and we went to G-Vegas to eat at Sappari's. Not bad, but a bit pricey for my everyday liking. Which is precisely why we don't eat there! Sunday we went to MHC and went to Ross & Michael's. Got our movie pass back so we're living LARGE. Lol. Monday we had a labor day bbq with some folks over. Not a bad turn out, and we had fun so it's all good. Well, that night *Monday* I was coming back from BB's & the damn deuschbag PMO guy wrote me a citation b/c my inspection tag had JUST expired. Like it went out in August, and it was September 1st! What a fag! So, we went today *Tuesday* and had the Saturn & Mazda inspected! Then I went to the traffic court office on base and they wrote it off as a warning b/c I got it inspected before coming in. Loser faces.

So, I took a nap, b/c you know cramping girly stuff monthly crap started today, so.. first time in a WHILE I've felt icky b/c of it... the nap felt good, but I started breaking out in a sweat and had to get up. Can't freeze the house b/c of the kid! Olin's workin' out at the gym, so I'm just waiting on him so we can go walking.

Waiting on the news.

Family.

I consider friends, family. However, w/ friends, if they screw up- I could choose to just let them out of my life. There is no blood that ties us together. But, most of the time, we always find a way to work things out, well, with some people. Like, Christina. We've been friends many a year, and no matter what drama llama shit comes up, it may take a few months, but we're right back to finishing each other sentences, & connected at the hip. Missed it.

It takes a long time to make a friend like that. And I'm having a hard time letting other people get that close. Christina & I know EVERYTHING about each other. With the short amount of time we're stationed in one location, there's no way one person could know me, or I know them, the way Christina and I do. I mean, I don't think it's possible. But, it's worth a try right? We can learn new things about each other, right?

It's so hard for me to open up to new people. Hell, it's hard for me to open up to myself! Lol! New people scare me. Lol. Folks just aren't who they seem. It takes a LONG time to get past the initial briefing of creating a friendship, and when it comes down to the nitty gritty, how many folks are going to put up with BS from each other the way your TRUE friends do? Not many.

This is really a meaningless post. Just some stuff I've been thinking about. A "friend" that Christina and I BOTH tried to be friends with has turned out to prove us RIGHT about folks, they lie. And lie some more. Just to keep you in their life. And then when they fuck it up for the last time, you're like shit- now I don't know WHO I can trust. And it makes it that much harder for the next person to get close to you.

Okay. More at a later time.

Procrastination.

Who else suffers? I know I'm super bad, I work well under extreme pressure. It's 11 am, and I haven't even started to begin packing for PA for 2 weeks. Not any of my stuff, or Erika's stuff! I don't even wanna start, I started feeling overwhelmed.

So I'll be leaving tonight after Olin gets home so we can say our goodbyes, and I'll be returning September 10th. I'll miss everyone!

K, crying kid.

Pennsylvania.

So! Spur of the moment, I know, but looks like Erika and I will be leaving for PA tomorrow sometime until Sept. 10! I'm super excited!!! We're going w/ Aleena & her son, Aiden. Her family lives there, and Aleena and Ed are PCSing to Okinawa the end of September. This will be great time for us to hang out before she leaves me for 3 years!!! Ugh! I'll probably still keep things updated though!!!

To go to Vegas, Or not to go to Vegas? That is the Question.

Okay, so for those that don't know, Olin's eldest sister, Jen, is supposively getting married. They're not sure on a date, which sucks for us b/c we live all the way over here- and need to PLAN. Also, we've heard they were gonna get married a few times, so we really hope this is it. Otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of time crunching numbers and budgeting our lifestyle so we are able to afford to go, and not live on the streets of Vegas like bums with our 15 month old baby :) So as I'm crunching numbers, I'm finding more and more crap!

So currently it's like this:

Gas (there & back) : $700. If gas stays lower.
Hotels (on the way there & back!): $100.
3 Nights in a Hotel While IN Vegas: $200 (Stratosphere Hotel!!!)
Spending Money: $500.

So in total we're looking at : $1,500.

So it's like, do we save it or not? I mean, my amounts are estimates b/c all we know is spring or summer. Am I sounding like a bitch? I mean, I'm just a planner. I like to have things planned out, with dates, times, & locations as far in advance as I can! And I'm going nuts over this!!!

On the brightside, we can put $50 bucks a month extra away starting in October! We will be Full Time Cloth Diapering by then!!! Yay!

Okay... let me know if I'm leaving crap out! Well, I just thought- food. We'll have a cooler for on the way there and back- but while we're there, we'll have to buy food.. Ugh, fattening, fake meat from fast food restaurants. Tasty. Not!

Cloth Diapering, Day 1.

So! My CDing addiction had already started. After much thought, research and cost comparison we decided to try going to all CDing. Yes, the initial costs of CDing are pretty expensive- but imagine only paying that once, not having to fork out 50-60 bucks a month on disposables that just go into a landfill and take 250 years to decompose! You're not just wasting that money every month. With CDing, we find it much more cost efficient, earth savvy and better for my baby's toosh. We put out a bit at the beginning, but then don't have to keep forking out money every month. It's greener. I mean, we're saving the world- little by little. We're not repetitively putting crap into the landfill that isn't going to decompose for YEARS, and I mean YEARS. I mean, I want this world to be around for my daughter's kids, and their kids... and with the way it's going- if people don't stand up and make a change, it's not going to be. And hell, as Megan says, "You do laundry, anyways, don't you?". I think that's what really got me thinking. I do laundry anyways... what's a bit more?

So, yes, this weekend I had been on diaperswappers.com a hell of a lot, and I found some good deals, I also got 6 Bum Genius from a friend for just $25 bucks and they just need new elastic and velcro (easy fix). I have a Fuzzi Bunz & AIO also on their way, and I'm order a trial pack of like 4 different kinds on Thursday/Friday. Oh, I also have a blueberry I got in the mail yesterday. Just needs an insert! Anyways!

So yesterday, Erika wore a CD. This was our first day of actually putting our butts in gear and trying to make the transition. I was a bit nervous, but she seemed to love that BG and it actually looked like it helped clear up her butt, I mean, disposables have so many chemicals right there on her toosh, and she's got sensitive skin! But yes, no leaks or anything. She did very well, and it wasn't as bad as I had viewed it a year ago! This was our first BG, but I really like them & so does Erika!

On the brightside, Olin's really starting to let down his guard on this. He was still in my mindset of a year ago, "that's nasty". He's being SO supportive of this decision that I have made for our family, and I'm so happy to have him.

I'm just waiting on inserts to begin FT CDing.

Me, Today. Not Yesterday. Not Tomorrow.

Me, Today. What do I actually know about myself? I know my name is Alburnie. I was born to a man & woman who got hitched after 6 weeks, and have been married 21 years now. I know I'm a military brat, and now a military wife. I know that I'm not very tall, but not very short. I'm average. I've always been average. I like music. Not just ONE kind of music, but ALL kinds of music. I know that about a year ago, I'd look at someone like me today and think "Gross. That person is nasty". I guess b/c I was closeminded. I have brown eyes, not blue or green, just brown. I have a few friends I've kept with me over the years, the rest have fallen to the curbside. I'm addicted to the computer. There is so much out there, and there's no way I could learn it all. I know I've been married 2 years, but it feels like just yesterday I met my husband. I know we have a love that's stronger than most, and we used that love to make a beautiful baby girl. I know my family is not as close as it could be, but as close as we're gonna get. My grandparents were never much of grandparents to me. I know an angel by the name of Erika graced my parents life, and then my life- and has been with me since my birth... and I know my husband and I named our little angel after that angel. I know at one point in time my husband will get deployed and I will spend many nights alone, crying and waiting for one mere 5 minute phone call in which I won't get to tell him everything I had wanted. I know my daughter is going to grow up way too fast, and before I know it she'll be getting ready for prom. I know I have enough animals to begin a small petting zoo, and somedays I get extremely overwhelmed. My favorite color is green, food is mexican and artist is Jimmy Buffett. Today I like the new free credit report commercial and tomorrow I'll probably hate it. I know I have more than I could have ever asked for, a wonderful family, lots of un-needed materialistic items, and so much more.

What am I getting at? I'm a normal person. Plain & Simple. My physical features may be different than yours, but that's just makes me, ME.

Okay- so a year ago I'd have looked at myself and thought, that's nasty- I'm never going to be like that. But here I am, "Like That.". Yep, I'm like that. I've started my transition into a more green lifestyle. Currently it's just recycling, eating healthier and more organicly and now I'm beginning my transition into Cloth Diapering and I must tell you, I love it. And it feeds my shopping addiction! Haha!

I have so many words, but I can't get them out. I'll write more, don't worry.